The ultimate Byron Bay hug
There’s no place quite like Byron Bay for progressive thinking, being and feeling. Byron Bay is one of the world’s leading alternative therapy and cutting-edge psychology training grounds. Literally everyone has two or three professions. Your local plumber can fix your tap and crack your back. Your electrician can fix your light and guide you to the light. Your pest control agent will relieve you of rodents and exterminate your ego. Your local baker will rise your loaves and raise your vibration. Your massage therapist will soothe your joints and roll you joints. People here are just so bloody talented – multi tasking and the necessities that change in high and low tourist season make Byron Bay an extremely fascinating beach town.
But if you want to fit in and act like a local there is one thing that you must know about. You must be aware of boundaries and especially how not to puncture them. (I love psycobabble – don’t you?) Of course I am talking about the all important HUG.
Now, I am British and I have been programmed to offer my hand when I meet a stranger. It’s a habit I can’t shake – excuse the terrible pun. It’s automatic and it makes me feel safe. I shake and then gauge what the vibe, permissions and expectations are. Most of the time I get it right. My absolute pet hate is when people, friends or even family launch for a ‘hello’ kiss on the lips. My lips are reserved for my lover – sorry no sneaking that longed for pash! (snog, tongue-twister, French kiss.) In my experience it is safer to keep your lips tightly packed away for first meetings. The French air kiss is perfect – three little audible pecks in the ear whilst almost touching cheeks. It says, “I’m open, friendly, I care but not too much, we can get close but not too close and I’m cultivated in the European ways.” It’s Safe, Sexy and can be a little bit cheeky. But not in Byron Bay – it’s seen as cold and disconnected. So if you want to be embraced as a local, you must embrace The Byron Bay HUG.
The Byron Bay Hugging Protocol demands you know the 3 principle Hugs.
THE A FRAME – For both sexes anywhere outside of Byron Bay. Your rear end must stick out. Nothing must touch below the shoulders. Make the shape of the letter A. This is a fast in and fast out hug. If you feel a little uncomfortable opt for speed and a couple of slaps on the back. But do not slap a woman. Use the gentle pat instead. Heimlich Manoeuvres are a real turn off and although they leave a clear throat they also leave a very bad first impression – which of course you will never get a second shot at. The A Frame should be reserved for the office, ending a disaster date and most everyone at church and especially your wife’s sexy sister (or husband’s hot younger brother).
THE MAN on MAN HUG - In so fast and quick slap on the back (only one slap unless someone has died then another slap shows great sympathy) then fast out. Shake hands with the right hands. Avoid eye contact at all times – this is not a joke. You must never look a man in the eyes whilst doing the man-on-man hug. Both look to your right as far away as you can. Straining is good so that the back of your heads are aligned but not touching. Move in with only shoulder contact. You can say inane things like; “what up, yo, hey and bro.” You must never say anything with the word nice or good in it e.g. “It’s good to see you. You look good. Nice to see you. Nice outfit.” You can have the optional tight manic grin with a hardcore emotionless wink. The Man on Man Hug reserved for men you are acquainted with. All men when you are in any public place. Fathers, Grand fathers and your wife’s gay brother (more for his sensibilities – you don’t want to give a mixed message here). Never hug another man on a first meeting – EVER !
The Byron Bay Hug – It’s basically the Man hug in reverse. Move in very very slowly – think slow motion and then slow it down again. You must never lose eye contact even if your right eye twitches uncontrollably. The secret is to look into just one eye. Trying to focus on two eyes that close can give you epilepsy. When you go in for the hug you must both move to the left so that your hearts are aligned. Press heart to heart (if your partner is a woman with large breasts you may have to press extra hard). Keep eye contact. Then move your pelvis forward. There must be no space or air between you and your partner. If you can feel pubic bone or any other bone this indicates that you are aligned correctly. Knees must also touch. Then push your bellies out. You must be able to feel your partners belly – this is vital for the next step.
Maintaining eye contact make some ‘knowing’ signal that it’s now the time to synchronise your breathing. One of you will magically stop breathing and fall into breathing step with your partner (proof of Divine intervention). Then hang in there for a few hours until one or both of you need to attend to other bodily functions. After a few hours or the onset of an epileptic fit you can break eye contact and rest your heads on each other’s shoulders and sigh gently in each other’s ears. WARNING – When it is time to let go and separate make sure that you have your therapists’ phone numbers handy (plumber, electrician, pest control agent, baker, massage therapist) as you may experience separation anxiety and abandonment issues. The Byron Bay Hug is reserved for absolutely anyone. It’s the most appropriate inappropriate hug known to man. Try it with perfect strangers, especially first meetings, old friends, new friends, sexy partners of your best friends, your friends’ parents, grand parents and even pets. Remember this is both a vertical and horizontal hug. The horizontal hug being much more conducive for the longevity and the ‘needy leg grip.’ For legal reasons we can only show this particular hug demonstrated on a tree.
When you perfect this you will be a true Byronite … an accepted and revered member of Beautiful Byron Bay and no longer seen as an A-framed disconnected Being.
P.S. Avoid Group Hugs at all costs. They deny true intimacy. Remember, trying to maintain eye contact with one person can be dangerous, but with more than one person it can be fatal. All group hugs are Ugly and should be reserved for Devil Worshippers or Byronites.
